Welcome to the Humor Page!

  Words Patients Never Want to Hear During Surgery:

                   "The guy's got two kidneys, right?"

                "Oh, Lord of Darkness, accept our sacrifice."

                "Well, we're finished here. Hey, where'd I put that scapel?"

"The Facts of Life"


    1) The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

    2) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    3) Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..

    4) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

    5) A truly wIse man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

    6) It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

    7) Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

    8) If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

    9) The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how                   difficult it was.

    10) It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

   An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I     fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"  "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."  The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"   "Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses,  we'll work on your hearing."

Recording at the Mental Health Clinic (Imagine a sweet, endearing voice.)


    "Welcome to County Mental Health Services.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
    want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
    tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
    press. No one will answer."

HMO Medicine

    A woman went to a Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of   the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her     what the problem was, and she explained.

    The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's is the matter with you? Mrs.     Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children & seven grandchildren, and you told      her she was pregnant?"

    The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

  Anatomy by Profession


    Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.  The first said,     "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside      is numbered."

    The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
    open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

    The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and
    everything inside is color-coded."

    The fourth one said, "I like software engineers. You open them up and do
    everything at a keyboard."

    The fifth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
    spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

Feel free to submit your own jokes, cartoons or stories.